


The Art of Makeup

by lightningsticks



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Beauty guru, Derek "Nursey" Nurse is Unchill, Gen, Makeup, before samwell, contemplation of societal norms, derek's older sister, dereks backstory, exploration of feelings, high school derek, the art of makeup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-10-15 01:37:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10547828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningsticks/pseuds/lightningsticks
Summary: It started out purely by accident and totally because of Naimah.“What exactly do you want to do to me?”-In which Derek Nurse discovers the absolute joy of makeup, and finds that acceptance is a journey, not a destination.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Read the end notes for my posted warnings. There aren't that many, but I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. If I missed anything don't be afraid to let me know please :)
> 
> Alright! So this is my first stab at a full-fledged novel (or well, any type of fic for this fandom really) so I hope it's enjoyable! It has sadly has not been read over by a beta reader, just by me about a dozen times... lol. I have a couple of acknowledgements to dole out though, firstly to the lovely Tumblr user derekpoindexter-williamnurse for this post (http://derekpoindexter-williamnurse.tumblr.com/post/156679421298/dexnurseyheadcanons) that got me so excited that I sat down and wrote 7000 words the first day (a record for me, so it was pretty monumental) just about Nursey discovering makeup in high school. And also to rhysiana, for I fell in love with Derek's sister's name after seeing this post by them (http://rhysiana.tumblr.com/post/154395703158/gettzi-omg-please-stop-stop-what-derek-am). I also thought Naimah was canon, and when I found out it was not... well, I was already too attached, oops.
> 
> Anyway, constructive comments and criticisms are always welcome as I'm an amateur who doesn't really know what they are doing, haha. But enough of my blabbering; onto the book!
> 
> Also, props to you for reading this whole note! :D

**December 2012**

 

It started out purely by accident and totally because of Naimah.

 

“What exactly do you want to do to me?”

 

“Please Der, _please_ let me do your makeup! I want to practice, but I’ve been told that it’s so much easier to learn on other people!”

 

He huffed, but bookmarked his page and looked at Naimah skeptically, “And you can’t do this to a friend because...?”

 

Naimah tossed her hair over her shoulder and said flatly, “Because what looks good on them won’t necessarily look good on me. Our skin tones are way too different,” she paused, “Well except Delilah’s, sort of, but she’s in Europe right now so I can’t exactly practice on her, can I?”

 

Derek hummed, but sat up and put his book on the coffee table. It honestly wouldn’t be that bad and it would make Naimah happy. Plus, he was crashing at her apartment over break, he could indulge her for a bit.

 

She turned her best pout on him, “Please Der?”

 

He sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes but fighting a smile, “Okay _fine_. If it makes you happy.”

 

Let it be known that Derek Malik Nurse could never say no to his older sister.

 

She whooped with joy, pulling him up by his wrists and practically shoving him up the stairs and into her room, depositing him into her desk chair. She turned, rummaging through her vanity drawers talking a mile a minute about draping and smoky eyes and glossy, wet highlights.

 

It was a lot, very fast and much too soon after he had just agreed.

 

She flicked on her radio and he grumbled under his breath when Meghan Trainor came on.

 

“Can I at least control the music while you abuse my face?” he whined, opening his phone and selecting his favourite playlist.

 

Naimah paused in her digging and shrugged, before turning around with a frankly horrifying number of products in her hands.

 

“You’re going to put all of that on me?” he asked, leaning back slightly. There were a lot of bottles and sticks and wait, was that a paintbrush?

 

She grinned, “Of course baby brother. Now change the song so I can start. I want to time myself so that I can track my progress.”

 

“Progress? As in doing this again?” He conditioned his tone to sound appalled, but there was a small part of him that was excited, the same part of him that was always content when he styled his hair in the mornings.

 

“Come on Derek, I want to tackle smoky eyes today and cut creases tomorrow. Winter break only lasts so long and you can only spend so many hours at the gym or with your nose in a book or your journal. Plus, it’s good sibling bonding time. You can hear all about my Amelia-Trevor drama and you can fill me in on all the Andover gossip. I know you’ve been holding out on me,” she flashed him a grin.

 

He sighed dramatically, but he was grinning now. He turned Bluetooth on and pressed play, the familiar beat of Hosier washing over him.

 

“Alright Naimah, do your worst.”

 

An hour later, Naimah finally stepped back and put her Beauty Blender down (she had been educating Derek as she worked).

 

“Alright, I think I’m done. My strobing could use a little work, but I’m pretty sure I nailed that smoky eye. I’m so happy I chose to do bronzy tones instead of the typical grey-black; it’s so much more three dimensional that it’s honestly astonishing! And Delilah was so right about getting the Tarte Clay Pot Waterproof Liner instead of the regular pencil or liquid, it goes on like a dream. You look killer baby bro, I did good.”

 

He blinked, letting the words wash over him. Sometimes Naimah talked too fast for him to keep up, even when he tried.

 

“Cool, can I see my face now?”

 

She grinned, pulling him up over to her vanity.

 

“Behold! My masterpiece featuring your bone structure and semi-natural eyebrows!”

 

He snorted, bending down, “They’re not natural at all with the amount o-”

 

Derek abruptly lost all train of thought when he caught sight of his reflection. He knew it was still him, realistically, but Naimah had changed his features dramatically. His skin was flawless, smooth and contoured and highlighted to enhance his already distinct bone structure. His eyebrows matched perfectly, and were filled in so that they were a statement on his face, framing his eyes. His eyes were obviously the main focus of the look and what Delilah had spent the most time on, and they looked incredible. Derek didn’t even know how to describe the gradient of warm bronze-toned shadows she had used and contrasted with a matte black, bold, sharp wing. They were framed by impossibly long black eyelashes and looked incredibly green.

 

He looked like himself, but he wasn’t the same.

 

He loved it.

 

“Wow Naimah… I look- you did a really good job,” he finished abruptly, jerking back from the mirror to meet his sister’s eyes.

 

Why did he love it so much? He shouldn't love it so much.

 

She smiled, “Thanks for letting me try it out, Der. I think I did a pretty kick ass job and you were a fantastic guinea pig.”

 

He smiled tightly, chanting _chill chill chill chill_ in his brain, “Course sis, anytime.”

 

Then her phone rang, breaking the tendrils of tension that were worming their way into the room. Naimah turned and grabbed it, answering the call and stepping out, squeezing Derek’s bicep in silent acknowledgment.

 

As soon as she was out the door, he was back at the mirror drinking in the way he looked. It was so strange, but he really really liked it; it still looked like him, but at the same time it wasn’t him, not the person who he saw in the mirror every morning.

 

He loved it though.

 

Why did he love it so much?

 

His dark circles were gone and so were those pesky breakouts on his chin. His eyebrows matched for once, something that had never happened before. He looked good, _really_ good. And he always knew that he was handsome, he had gotten a lot of affirmation from many that he was gorgeous, but his appearance had now absolutely skyrocketed.

 

Naimah came back into the room then, still staring at her phone, “Sorry bro, Amelia’s having a mini meltdown about Trevor again.”

 

Derek pushed away from the mirror, needing some space, and flopped onto the bed (totally on purpose), feigning nonchalance as he pushed himself up onto his elbows, “She needs to just break up with him already.”

 

Naimah snorted, “Unlikely, she’s only half a person without him. They’re combined souls now or something.”

 

Derek laughed softly, watching as his sister started putting her makeup away.

 

“But now she wants me to come over because apparently she wants to get back at him for going out to this party without her and being all over this other chick’s social media and ‘Oh _Naimi_ you can do some sort of badass makeup look that will leave him thirsty as fuck and regretting every single choice that he made after getting in Josh’s car to go to that stupid fucking party’. Like no, please kill me now, but I’m going because I’m a good person okay?”

 

“And you love the drama,” Derek reminded her, “And Delilah’s in Europe.”

 

She shot him a look, “Yeah yeah, very funny,” she paused, “Oh, and I should take off your makeup before I go.”

 

Her phone chimed and she picked it up, reading the texts, her brow furrowed. It chimed a few more times in quick succession and she typed out a rapid-fire reply. Derek started talking without really thinking.

 

“It’s fine, go rescue Amelia. I’m sure it’s not that hard to take off anyway.”

 

She looked up at him, brow quirked, “Bro it’s fine, she can wa-” but she was cut off by another few text messages and she frowned down at her phone again.

 

Derek laughed, chanting _chill chill chill_ again. He wanted to be alone with all this makeup on his face so that he could decide why he liked it so much. Maybe he needed to write it out; his emotions felt like a fisherman’s knot.

 

Her gaze was still on her phone and she was nodding, muttering to herself as she typed out another reply.

 

“Okay okay okay. Yeah. Okay,” she looked back up at him and smiled, “You’re the absolute best, okay? When I get home we can watch a movie, your choice obviously, and order some disgustingly greasy New York style pizza.”

 

Derek smiled, winking, “I know, I’m killer, I’m perfect, I’m so good it’s sometimes a struggle.”

 

“Ugh! God! One compliment and your ego inflates to the size of Europe!” she laughed, throwing a balled up pair of socks at him.

 

It hit Derek in the chest, even though he attempted to dodge it. He lobbed it back at her and she just barely jumped out of the way. She stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed.

 

She turned to her vanity and grabbed a tube of lipstick, “There are some makeup wipes in the bottom drawer here,” she kicked it for emphasis, putting on the dark raspberry colour simultaneously, “to take it all off with. They’re in a blue package. About four should be enough, especially with the eyeliner. If you can’t get it all off before I get back it’s fine. I can finish it when I get home,” she paused, counting something on her fingers, “I should be home in about two hours. Three tops. I’m not going to the party though, definitely not.”

 

“No, you’re not going to let Amelia drag you to the party,” Derek echoed, because he knew that sometimes Naimah just needed confirmation and reiteration.

 

She nodded at herself once in the mirror, then winked at him as she grabbed her purse, and tossed a “Bye! Love you!” over her shoulder before breezing out the door.

 

He yelled, “Love you too!”, at her retreating back and counted to twenty before getting up and opening Naimah’s bedroom door.

 

He was home totally alone, and he _knew_ that he was totally alone, but he still went to the kitchen and filled a glass of water, drinking it in three huge gulps to try and calm his nerves. When he pulled it away, there was a stain of dark lipstick on the rim.

 

He swallowed, putting the glass in the sink before walking back to Naimah’s room. Her light was still on and he went back to the mirror, staring at his reflection again. His fingers itched for a pen, but he didn’t move to get one.

 

He poked and prodded at these semi-new feelings, trying to figure out why he liked his lips being two shades darker than they regularly were, why having eyelashes that seemed to multiple instantly brought a small happiness to him, why he enjoyed turning his head just right for his gold highlight to reflect.

 

He fixed his hair slightly, the practiced action happening before he could even think about doing it and it dawned on him.

 

He liked looking good, liked controlling his wardrobe and his hair and having a routine in the morning before leaving the house. It was comforting in ways that few things were from his cold childhood, save his older, brilliant chatterbox of a sister.

 

Ever since his mother had talked to him and Naimah about the misguided perceptions that people would make when they walked down the street, Derek has become infinitely more aware of his appearance and the overall vibe he gave off to society. He had been made aware of that acutely at the tender age of eleven, when a man on the street glared at him, his mother and his sister, spewing hate. He had been made aware of it when he left and went to Andover for the first time, where he was the only person of colour in almost all of his classes.

 

“It is up to you to control your appearances,” his mother had told them calmly, “and to remember to let it wash over you and never take it in, never listen to anything those people say. They’re wrong, they’re always wrong. This is your home and you deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.”

 

Makeup was another way to control other's opinions.

 

He stared at himself hard in the mirror. But was that really it? Was that the only reason he loved the way the eyeshadow brought out the green of his eyes or the warmth in his skin? Why he loved his perfectly carved cheekbones or his thick eyelashes? Could it also… Derek took a breath, staring at himself harder, almost glaring at his reflextion. Could it also have something to do with the fact that it made him feel pretty? Did he like feeling pretty?

 

His eyes widened and he took a step back, alarms ringing in his head.

 

He slammed the lid shut on that particular idea and left Naimah’s room with the makeup wipes. It took exactly four to get everything off and then he sat down on the couch, a beer in one hand and chocolate in another.

 

He put the hockey game on.

 

\---

 

A few days later, Naimah was out with friends (Delilah was finally back from Europe, thank God) and Derek was bored. He was bored out of his mind so when he clicked on youtube and exhausted all the hockey videos he wanted to watch, and all the VOX episodes that he had missed, and even a few CrashCourse Literature videos (the Great Gatsby one was _so good_ ), he tentatively typed ‘makeup’ into the search bar.

 

Immediately, he got hits. The top one was a video by someone named Zoella, with over a million views. She looked nice and the video was titled ‘Casual Makeup Look’ so he clicked on it with baited breath.

 

It was an enlightening 9 minutes and 37 seconds. He noticed a change in her complexion and appearance, but it was much, much more subtle than what Naimah had done to him. There was no smokey eye or strobing or crazy eyeliner. Just her, some natural products and a lot of mascara.

 

He bit his lip, before clicking on another video of hers titled “‘No Makeup’ Makeup Look’. She was sweet and funny and her accent was nice and she got excited exactly like Naimah did, which made him feel better, feel safe.

 

He watched a lot of videos of everyday makeup, natural makeup, ‘no makeup’ makeup. Many of the videos were of Zoella, but a few other YouTubers were sprinkled in, all loud and happy with bright smiles on their faces and after he watched them, he felt better.

 

After about an hour of that, he took his laptop and went into Naimah’s room. He sat on the ground and played one of Zoella’s videos and opened Naimah’s bottom vanity drawer. It had several long thin pieces of cardboard resting in a stand and separated by pieces of metal. He picked one up, Zoella’s happy voice in the background. It was called NAKED and it was by a brand called Urban Decay. He opened it and was knowledgeable enough to realize that it was an eyeshadow palette. The colours were beautiful, lots of soft nudes, warm browns and other everyday neutrals.

 

He went to his search bar on Youtube and typed in ‘NAKED palette everyday makeup look’. The first hit he got was a video of Zoella; he clicked on it.

 

He stayed on the ground, quietly looking at his sister’s makeup and occasionally watching videos of products he found interesting.

 

He closed his laptop after finishing another Zoella video where she talked about the Chocolate Bar palette by Too Faced. He made sure that everything was where he found it and then gently closed the vanity, before leaving his laptop in his bedroom and grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen.

 

He looked out at the snow-covered streets of New York and smiled.

 

“That was good,” he said, before leaving the glass in the kitchen and going into the living room to turn on the hockey game.

 

\---

 

Let it be known that Derek Malik Nurse could never say no to his older sister.

 

Naimah needed his opinion on dresses, because their parents were coming home for a weekend in January after their latest business trip and were dragging her out to a charity event. They had politely told her that she needed a new cocktail dress, so that was why two days before Winter Break was over, Derek was at the mall with his sister. He had been thankfully exempt from the gala since he would be at Andover.

 

Nordstrom had a dizzying number of cocktail dresses available and Naimah hated most of them. Derek agreed with his sister more often than not; most of the dresses were either covered in glitter or black and so boring.

 

She had picked her three favourites after about an hour: an emerald green sleeveless a-line dress, a burgundy lace bodycon and an ivory dress with a sweetheart neckline studded with gems. They all looked fantastic on Naimah, but she kept on insisting that she didn’t want to buy all three.

 

“Naimah,” Derek said tiredly, “they won’t check the credit card bill. Just get them all if you can’t decide. You look amazing in all of them.”

 

She sighed, smoothing the burgundy fabric down her hips. She flounced back into the dressing room and came out a few moments later in the ivory dress.

 

Derek sunk lower into his comfortable leather chair and watched her twirl twice in it, the dress floating out around her like a cloud. She leaned closer to the mirror and inspected the beading.

 

He threw his hands in the air and let out a groan, “Naimah, stop thinking. You look great! If you don’t want to get all three then leave the ivory one, it’ll get dirty the fastest and show every tiny spill or spot you accidentally get on it. Plus, the crystals are totally fake and people will notice.”

 

Naimah met his eyes in the mirror and sighed, “Yeah?”

 

Derek nodded, “Yes. Get the green one and the burgundy.”

 

Naimah nodded, leaning back from the mirror, “Alright, yeah. You’re right, they do look totally fake.” And then went back to the dressing room.

 

Derek sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. It was almost one and he wanted food. Sushi sounded amazing.

 

Naimah came out a few minutes later carrying her dresses and they got in line to pay. They were checked out at the cash register by a lovely old woman with an easy smile and bright eyes.

 

“Oh dear, you’ll look absolutely lovely in this dress! It compliments your complexion so well,” she gushed, hanging it in the cloth dress bag beside the burgundy one.

 

Naimah smiled, “Thank you. It’s for a charity gala I’m going to with my parents.”

 

The old lady smiled, eyes twinkling at the two of them, “Oh I remember going to fancy parties in my day. Our dresses were much different though, dear, white and floor length and very frilly. I do prefer these styles.” Then she rattled off the price.

 

Naimah laughed, handing over the credit card, “Oh yes, I’m sure it’s much easier to move in the new styles, and there’s so much more selection.”

 

The old woman nodded, punching a few buttons and handed the machine back to Naimah to enter her pin, “I hope you have fun at your party, dear.”

 

“Thanks, I hope that it’s not boring,” Naimah said truthfully.

 

The old woman handed her purchases to her, “I doubt it, not with you in these dresses. Have a lovely day you two.”

 

“Thank you, ma'am,” Derek said.

 

Naimah echoed her brother, “You too, thanks so much for the help today.”

 

And then they were moving away and the old woman turned her smiling face to another shopper, chatting to them excitedly about their purchases.

 

The siblings stepped out of Nordstrom and turned towards the food court.

 

“Do you need anything before you go back to Andover, Der?” Naimah asked, checking her phone.

 

Derek steered her away from a bench that she would have walked into and shook his head, “No I think I’m okay. In the spring I might get a new backpack when the new colourful collections come out, but besides that…”

 

He trailed off, catching sight of Sephora.

 

“Actually I’m going to head to the bathroom, you go to the food court and order your stir-fry early. It always takes forever for U-Grill because of the lines,” Derek said abruptly, looking at his sister.

 

She blinked at him, narrowing her eyes slightly but didn’t protest, “You know, I can’t even argue about U-Grill because it’s true. I’ll see you soon, Der.”

 

He tried to keep his smile calm and neutral, but his heart was pounding. He waved as he went into the hallway that led to the bathrooms and paused when he rounded the corner. He counted to twenty before going back out and crossing over to Sephora. He didn’t slow down or pause outside, just glided right in and immediately turned away from the employee at the door, giving her a tight smile.

 

What are you doing? His brain seemed to scream at him and he shoved his hands in his coat pockets so that no one could see they were shaking slightly. He took a few deep breaths, eyes scanning over the displays but missing all of the products. He walked forward toward the Benefit display case and just looked at all of the bright packages and product names that sounded like puns.

 

He moved on, slowly growing more at ease amongst the shelves. The store was quiet and the employees were all in the corner talking to themselves. A few people gave Derek second looks, momentary surprise passing over their faces when they saw him but no one said anything and he tried to ignore it.

 

He stopped in front of the Urban Decay display, eyes finding the NAKED palette. He didn’t really do anything for a moment, just looked at it. Hesitantly, he reached out and dragged a finger across the shimmery shadow Sidecar. It was silky smooth to the touch and a beautiful nude. Very pigmented, very creamy. The language was new, but he had started picking it up from all the beauty youtube he had been watching before bed every night.

 

He swatched it on his arm and stared at the streak of colour, stomach clenching. Suddenly it was too much, it was all too much. He felt like everyone was staring at him and he yanked his sleeve down and buried his fists into his coat pockets. He left the shop with his head down and heart pounding.

 

 _Chill chill chill chill, be chill goddammit_ , he repeated over and over.

 

He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going and almost ran into a tall middle-aged man and his wife.

 

“Watch where you’re going!” the man snapped, glaring at Derek.

 

Derek mumbled out an apology and moved past them, eyes burning. He ducked into a hallway and walked past the bathroom signs before turning into an alcove that held three doors. It was dark and quiet and most importantly he was alone. He took steadying breaths, leaning against the wood of the door and letting it ground him. He rubbed his nail into a groove he found and his pulse steadied. He took a few more breaths and finally felt okay again. He tentatively pulled his sleeve down and stared at the swatch. It was smudged a bit, but still shone true and he took another deep breath. He rubbed his thumb over it carefully.

 

 _It’s not scary,_ he reminded himself, _this is new, but it’s not scary. It shouldn't be scary._

 

He hesitated, _I don’t understand why I like this so much, but I’m not going to be afraid of it anymore. I shouldn’t feel like I have to run out of stores._

 

He sighed, tugging his sleeve down and pushing away from the door. His thoughts were all jumbled up and he just wanted to go home. His hands itched for some paper and a pen to puzzle together his feelings.

 

He grabbed a burger at A&W before finding his sister. She was almost halfway through her stir-fry. She looked up from her phone when he pulled the chair out that was across from her.

 

“Hey, I was just about to call you. What took so long?”

 

“I saw a friend from Andover,” the lie falling easily off his tongue, “We bonded over sisters dragging us to the mall.”

 

She huffed, kicking him under the table lightly, but there was a fond smile on her lips, “Whatever. You could have said no. And I’m happy that I dragged you because I have something to show for this trip.”

 

Derek thought of the nude swatch on his arm and the feeling that he had when he swatched it. Yeah, it may not be a concrete, real life thing, but he had something too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: brief mentions of hate speech and racial tensions; minor panic attack/moment; discomfort at new emotions that are not perceived "normal" by societal standards when it comes to boys wearing makeup; societal norms for boys/men
> 
> Again, I don't think that there were many in this, it's fairly PG and honestly is going to stay PG throughout, but if you feel like I missed something, please do let me know. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! For this chapter i actually don't have any warnings, these boys just swear a bit, lol. Let me know if you feel like there is anything I should tag though!
> 
> So this is slightly embarrassing, but I fucked up the dates haha.... Ugh.
> 
> So instead of it being based in 2013/2014, it's mostly based in 2012/2013, which are still Derek's Junior and Senior years at Andover. I realized I counted wrong when I added Shitty (but OMG Shitty makes a debut in this one!!) in... Anyway, hope you guys enjoy the chapter!

**February 2013**

 

Andover was in New York, playing Boston Prep in the gold medal game of an away tournament two weeks after Derek’s birthday. It was a bit of a brutal game, both teams really wanting the win and willing to play dirty to get it, but nothing that Derek and the boys weren’t used to. Derek wanted the win because Naimah was in the stands. She almost never saw him play since Andover and New York weren’t close enough for day trips and she was going to NYU so it was hard for her to find time off during the hockey season. So he wanted to show off his skills. The seniors, specifically their captain Sadie, wanted the win because Shitty was in the stands.

 

And win they did, with an amazing pass from Derek’s defense partner Mac to their right winger Flynn who one-timed it in just above the pad on the goalie’s glove side fifteen seconds before the third period was over. The team dog piled on top of Flynn in excitement.

 

After picking themselves up and getting into position, Sadie won the faceoff and passed the puck to Flynn who threw it back to Derek to skate down the ice and play keep away. The buzzer rang before Boston even touched the puck and Andover spilled out onto the ice, whooping with joy.

 

“Great game boys!” their captain roared in their huddle of bodies.

 

Flynn crashed into Derek’s side whooping.

 

It was a wonderful kind of chaos.

 

Derek couldn’t stop smiling all the way through awards. He could see Naimah waving wildly at him and cheering with their fans in the stand.

 

After they breezed through showering and changing, singing along to We Are the Champions and laughing like maniacs, they burst out into the foyer. Derek found Naimah immediately and dropped his bag, pulling her in for a tight hug.

 

“You played so _well_ Der,” she whispered, squeezing him tight, “I’m so proud of you baby bro.”

 

He pulled away from her, blinding smile on his face, “Thanks Naimah.”

 

Movement pulled Derek’s attention away from his sister and he watched Sadie crash into Shitty, hugging him tightly.

 

“Are you and the team going out to celebrate?” she asked, pulling his attention back to her.

 

He shrugged, “Maybe? We didn’t really talk about it before the game and most of the seniors were too keyed up about Shitty to properly discuss it. The ones who did discuss it…” he paused, wrinkling his nose slightly as he pitched his voice lower, “I’m not a huge fan of them. You want to go o-”

 

Suddenly they were joined by Shitty, Sadie and three more seniors, all with huge smiles on their faces.

 

“Swasesome game Nursey!” Shitty shouted, pulling Derek in for a quick one armed hug, “You really held your own out there brah!”

 

“Yeah dude, you had a beast of a game,” Sadie agreed, “You’re coming out to celebrate right?” His eyes cut to Naimah, “Company is welcome as well, if you want to bring your…”

 

“Sister,” He supplied, trying not to let his surprise show, “This is Naimah, my sister. Naimah, this is Shitty, Sadie, Mac, JD and Watty.”

 

It wasn’t like the seniors weren’t welcoming or friendly when Derek and the rest of the ‘96s moved up to their senior team, they _were_ , it was just that they tended to stick to their group. But winning an away tournament did do fantastic things for team bonding.  

 

Sadie smiled easily, “Cool. But dude, you should totally come out with us.”

 

Naimah interrupted Derek before he could say anything, “I’m going to have to back out of this one, boys. I have a morning class tomorrow so I’ll have to leave soon. Thanks for the invite though, definitely next time.” She smiled at Sadie, before meeting Shitty’s eyes, “And it was nice to meet you Shitty. Maybe I’ll see you at a law firm one day.”

 

Shitty laughed, “Hopefully just not on opposing sides. Call me if you ever want to discuss our foreign affairs policy or the impending end of the Obama administration.”

 

She smiled, winking, “Ha, you know I will.”

 

Then her phone went off with Amelia’s familiar ring tone and she sighed, squeezing Derek’s bicep, “I have to take this. Don’t leave until I say goodbye.” Her last statement was directed at him and she moved away to answer her phone.

 

“So,” Derek started, “What kind of celebrating did you have in mind?”

 

Turned out not much except an early dinner after the game so that they could make it back to Andover before ten. There wasn’t much Derek expected though, it was an away tournament which meant the team was supposed to be on their best behavior. So an hour later, the whole team (plus Shitty) crowded into the quiet restaurant of choice, some mom and pop diner that promised the best burgers in Boston. Somehow Derek had gotten sandwiched between Mac and Earnie, the second line senior center, and directly across from Sadie and Shitty. Somehow they had gotten onto the subject of graduation and after high school ‘what ifs’. Somehow Derek didn’t mind nearly as much as he thought he would.

 

“Think I’m gonna play in juniors for a couple years,” Mac said, sipping his Coke, “I dunno if I’m good enough to go Pro, but I’ve got the ‘rents on board with me ‘wasting a couple years chasing my hockey dream’,” his face a mask of disgust, “They want me to go to fucking Yale or Harvard, major in goddamn _business_ and then take over the family company,” he paused again, contemplating, “I think I’d rather dig my fucking eyeballs out with plastic spoons.”

 

Earnie scrunched his nose, “Gross dude. I’m about to eat.”

 

Shitty ignored him, nodding along with Mac, “Brah I feel. My jackass of a father thought the same thing. Instead, I plan on going to law school so that I can fight shitroosters like him and his vile financial firm partners.”

 

“Are you not in law school right now?” Derek asked. He knew that Shitty was in university but details were scarce.

 

Shitty’s face lit up, “Nope, I’m at Samwell right now getting a double major in Women’s Gender and Sexuality and Political Science. It’s fucking amazing. My teammates are like my brothers, y’know? And the campus life is super chill: liberal, accepting, it’s fucking rad. Hell, most of the teachers aren’t even a pile of dicks! Oh, and I think it actually has one of the best English departments in the country.”

 

Derek perked up at that, “Wait really? Samwell?”

 

“Hell yeah, brah. And the hockey team is the tits, man. Jack’s an amazing captain.”

 

“Oh, Jack Zimmerman right?” Earnie guessed.

 

Shitty nodded, smiling, “Yup, that beautiful Canadian montherfucker captains our team.”

 

“I’ve watched some of your games on TV, his hands are fucking wicked. You guys think you’ll go all the way this year? I know you just missed the Frozen Four last year,” Mac asked.

 

Shitty hummed, “Hopefully y’know? But the cards fall where they fall,” he shrugged, “Hockey has never been ride or die for me, it’s only one of my many passions! But it didn’t hit me as hard as it did for some of the boys when we didn’t make it last year.”

 

Sadie nodded, “It probably would have hit me real fucking hard.”

 

“You thinking about going pro?” Derek asked.

 

Sadie shrugged, “Who knows? But my folks don’t really care and they’re sitting on enough cash for me to chase whatever the hell I want. I’ll probably go play in the Q,” he jerked his chin at Mac with a smirk, “Maybe I’ll play against you.”

 

Mac grinned back wolfishly, “Let’s hope Cap’.”

 

“You’re good enough to go pro,” Derek stated, sipping his drink and looking at Sadie, “Definitely good enough.”

 

He grinned, “Thanks Nursey.”

 

Then Shitty’s phone rang, a picture of a man with bright pink lipstick and glittery eyelids flashing onscreen.

 

Shitty hummed, pushing his chair back, “‘Scuse me brahs, gotta answer Holster and make sure he hasn’t burned down the Haus or anything.”

 

He stood up and answered, “Wha’d up?” before walking out of earshot.

 

Suddenly the waitress appeared to Derek’s right, followed by three more employees all carrying food for the hockey team.

 

“Alright boys,” she started, “I have a bacon cheeseburger and yam fries?”

 

That guy was… That guy was wearing makeup. And Shitty didn’t seem to care.

 

_“The campus life is super chill: liberal, accepting, it’s fucking rad.”_

 

Not a very long sentence for everything Derek hoped it really said. He’d have to do some googling when he got home, and he filed that important piece of information away in his brain, noticing that his food was right in front of him. He picked up his fork, mind still half occupied and started to eat his pasta.

 

Andover was fine, all things considered. Derek had discovered that most of the students were so wrapped up in their own lives that they never really paid any attention to others unless they ultimately had to - or something terribly scandalous happened. Which made most students insufferable at times. Even some of the hockey team was like this, minus Mac and Sadie and a few token others. But it was still a bit of a dragging life.

 

“Yo Derek, you okay man?” Sadie asked quietly.

 

Derek jolted back to reality, fork halfway to his mouth. His captain looked at him in concern and he quickly smiled, nodding.

 

“Yeah Cap’, ’m all good.”

 

He looked down the table and realized that most of the team was engaged in an argument about the best NHL team in the league and he rolled his eyes. They had had this discussion about a hundred fucking times and obviously no one could ever agree.

 

“Yeah, it can get a bit tedious,” Sadie commented, jerking his head down the table.

 

Derek shrugged, “At least it’s one of those easy conversations, one where you don’t have to think about what you’re saying.”

 

Sadie paused, a yam fry halfway to his mouth. He put his hand down. “You like easy conversations?”

 

Derek shrugged again, momentarily wondering if this was a good thing to say to his captain before blundering on, “I’m not saying I prefer them more, I’m just saying they’re easier to have. Doesn’t matter if you have an opposing view cause people will accept that just fine.” _And they won’t do anything stupid if you don’t agree with them._

 

Sadie hummed, about to say something when Shitty came back to the table.

 

“Sorry about that, Holster had a question about the stove,” he sighed, clearly exasperated, “As if I’d know!”

 

“He on your hockey team?” Derek asked, immediately interested.

 

Shitty nodded, digging into his food, “Oh yeah, he’s half of our second line defense but I wouldn’t doubt him and Rans moving up to starting line next year. They’re swasesome players.”

 

Derek hummed, taking a bite of his pasta.

 

“Where are you thinking of going, Derek?” Mac asked, “You gonna go into juniors too?”

 

Derek shrugged, “I dunno, I have another year to really decide, but I probably won’t play in juniors. Like, nothing’s concrete at the moment, but I want to go to university.”

 

“Yeah? Somewhere like Harvard or Yale?”

 

Derek laughed, “Fuck no, too much pressure. I just want somewhere with a good English program that’s not too far from New York.”

 

“Brah! You should go to Samwell!”

 

Derek shrugged, “Who knows right? I’ll start thinking about it more over the summer.”

 

_I’ll definitely google it, though._

 

Sadie nodded, “Enjoy Andover while you can.”

 

Derek hummed, “Sure.”

 

But he was already thinking about the future.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope y'all liked it :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! For this chapter I actually don't have any warnings... Some swear words and emotions regarding feeling comfortable wearing makeup, but it's a very G chapter. Let me know if you feel like there is anything I should tag though!
> 
> Alright! Already in chapter three, yay! This is progressing so nicely, I'm so happy with how this is going to be honest! I'm even debating extending it past 5 chapters and making it a series and adding the rest of the boys in as I don't think they'll make a huge debut in this one until maybe the last chapter... I really haven't decided yet though. But let me know what you guys think!
> 
> But yeah, enjoy the chapter! Maybe drop me a comment with your favourite part :)

**March 2013**

 

Derek sat in the car, flexing his hands on the wheel as he stared at Sephora. He had come here for a very specific reason, but he had time, he could wait a few minutes.

 

The past few months at Andover he had been watching a lot of youtube videos, following his favourite creators on social media (separate social media than the ones the rest of his world saw of course) and reading blog articles. He had fallen head first into the beauty community and he wasn’t nearly as scared anymore. He had felt a lot better when he stumbled upon Wayne Goss’s videos though and had spent an entire Saturday binging them. He would admit that he liked Zoella better, but Wayne was a guy doing makeup completely unapologetically, and he was damn good at it.

 

And Derek really wanted to try wearing makeup again, but he didn’t want to ask his sister.

 

After another minute, he got out of his car and walked over to the entrance. He had picked a smaller stand alone store because he thought it would be quieter and lower his chances of running into people that he knew.

 

He opened the door and an employee looked up at him, smiling brightly.

 

“Hello! Welcome to Sephora,” she said.

 

He smiled back and moved to the right, feeling good. Urban Decay was the first stand he saw, but he moved on. He wasn’t here for Urban Decay makeup, sadly. Maybe one day he would try their NAKED palettes, but not today.

 

He had three items on his list: NARS Creamy Concealer, Benefit Roller Lash and Anastasia Brow Wiz. Simple, effective, subtle. Perfect first products.

 

The mascara and brow products were really easy to pick out, but the concealer was a little harder. There were sixteen shades and he knew that he needed to get one that was a little lighter than his skin tone to brighten and correct, but there was just so many options. The store wasn’t very busy, but he felt eyes on him. He looked up and no one was looking at him, but he started feeling self-conscious, staring down at his products.

 

Maybe he shouldn’t have come...

 

“Hi, do you need any help?”

 

He turned to see a pretty blonde girl smiling hesitantly at him.

 

“I… uh…” he stutters out, mouth gone dry.

 

It’s ironic, he thought, he was a writer but he couldn’t find words when he needed them most. He was tempted to say he was buying for his sister, but he didn’t want to do that.

 

“Do you want help with a shade match for the concealer?” the girl asked, snapping him out of this thoughts.

 

He paused, before nodding, “Yeah that would be great.”

 

She suddenly smiled brightly, “Alright awesome! I really love this concealer, it layers beautifully over any foundation and doesn’t look too heavy if you want to wear it on its own. I recommend application with a beauty blender, it’s literally the best and totally my holy grail product.”

 

She paused her chatter, consulting his face before picking three shades and holding them up to his cheek. She put one back.

 

“These are our testers, so don’t be shy if you come back and want to try something else. You can ask one of us for help or do it yourself, whichever you’re more comfortable with,” she paused again, “You want to swatch these yourself or have me do it?”

 

Sometime during her second ramble, Derek had relaxed. She was treating him like any normal customer.

 

“I think I’d like to try if you don’t mind,” he said quietly.

 

She nodded, smiling, and handed him the concealer, “Be my guest. Oh, and I can hold your other purchases if you want.”

 

He smiled back, “Thanks.”

 

He handed her his other products and she hummed, her smile growing, “Someone did their homework.”

 

He laughed, turning to the mirror, “Oh yeah, this store is too overwhelming if I just try and walk in .”

 

He swatched the first shade on his neck and considered it, before deciding it was a tad too dark.

 

“Oh, I totally understand. First time I came in here with friends I actually got lost if you can believe it. And the colours, oh god, it was just too much. The first thing I bought from Sephora… oh… about three years ago maybe? Well, anyway, it was one of their pale pink Sephora collection lipsticks. I had a drugstore foundation and a mascara and my Sephora lipstick, which I wore every day for a year before I finally branched out. And now half my paycheque goes back to this store. Thank god I haven't got bills to worry about or anything,” she let out a self-conscious laugh.

 

Derek smiled, infinitely more relaxed. The second colour was perfect, about a shade and a half lighter than his skin tone.

 

“I had to come in with a list, or else I would never be able to leave,” he joked, smiling, “And I think I want to go with this one.”

 

She nodded, checking the name of the concealer he wanted before taking the testers, putting them away and grabbing his shade.

 

“Here you go. Let me just grab you a cotton pad to wipe off the excess.”

 

And she was gone, pressing his three products into his hand before he could say anything. He let out a breath, looking down at his purchases and smiled. Baby steps.

 

The girl reappeared a second later with a cotton pad soaked in something blue and handed it to him. He wiped the makeup off and turned to her, “You want to show me that Sephora collection lipstick you were talking about?”

 

Surprise flickered across her face, before she smiled full force again, “Yeah sure! It’s right this way. Oh, and I can take your garbage.”

 

Derek handed over the used cotton pad with a “Thanks” and followed her to the other side of the store.

 

“Most people tend to overlook the Sephora collection, but it’s got a decent selection for a much better price than the higher end brands. Especially if you want to try something crazy or different. I bought a bright pink, basically a fuschia colour, the other day since spring is almost upon us. I wanted to try something different, y’know?”

 

Derek nodded, “Oh yeah, I can understand that. This whole makeup this is still pretty new for me though.”

 

She shot him a quick glance, “Well, you’re much farther along than I was when I started cause you’re starting with amazing, holy grail products,” she hesitated, before charging on, “And I wouldn’t even bother with foundation, your skin is flawless as is.”

 

He looked down at her, still smiling, “Thanks.”

 

She shrugged, cheeks a little pink, “No problem. Anyway,” she swept her arm out, “Here are all of the lipsticks. I would recommend a nude for your first lipstick, something that screams your-lips-but-better, y’know?”

 

He nodded, eyes scanning the stand, “Any suggestions?”

 

“Well, I’d say go matte, because it’s a classic and you need a good matte in your collection. It’s a staple. I would recommend this one, or this, or maybe even this one. Ooh, or this caramel colour too.”

 

She grabbed four tubes in quick succession, eyes raking the shelve for any other options she might have missed.

 

He set his other purchases on a stand and rolled his sleeves up. She smiled in approval, uncapping the first tube and handing it to him. He swatched it on his arm and they went down the line like that, all four colours pretty similar, three warm-toned and one neutral, all in the caramel family.

 

“I like these two the best,” he said, pointing to the two in the middle as he considers the four, “Definitely not the neutral tone one and I don’t know… I’m not super happy with the other choice either.”

 

She hummed, putting back the two he didn’t like. He swept his gaze over the display again. He picked up a dark reddish-brown, swatching that one and smiled.

 

“Mmm, that one’s a beautiful colour,” she said.

 

Derek agreed, “I really like that one… And I think I’ll get this nude as well.”

 

The girl smiled, “Good choices, I think these will totally be staples in your collection.”

 

Derek grabbed two new tubes with the plastic still on and grabbed his other three products. It was a little hard to handle and he didn’t want to drop anything.

 

“Do you happen to have a basket?”

 

“Oh yeah! I’ll go grab one!” And she was gone again.

 

He looked down the rest of the display, but it was big and there were lots of products and it was a little overwhelming. Not as bad as it could have been, the attentive employee was doing wonders at settling his nerves, but he was ready to leave. He didn’t want to buy too much in case this was only a passing hobby (part of him didn’t believe that at all, but he ignored that).

 

Then the girl reappeared again, carrying a basket and another cotton pad. He smiled, putting his products in the basket and taking the cotton pad, wiping off the lipstick.

 

“Thanks so much for your help today,” he smiled, spotting a garbage can and throwing it away.

 

She shrugged, “No problem, I hope I didn’t chat your ear off or anything.”

 

He smiled, “No, definitely not,” and he paused, a thought occurred to him, “Do you get paid on commission? Or is there someone I can tell because you were honestly great today.”

 

“Oh!” she blushed lightly again, “No, no we don’t get paid on commission. Um, my name is Rachel though, and,” she paused, digging a card out of her belt before handing it to him, “if you really liked your experience today you can go to this website and fill out the five-minute survey. You even get entered for a chance to win a $250 dollar gift card after completion.”

 

Derek took the card in his left and then stuck his right hand out, “Thanks so much Rachel, my name’s Derek. It’s great to meet you.”

 

She smiled, shaking his hand, “Nice to meet you too Derek.”

 

Suddenly his phone rang and he fumbled trying to get it out of his pocket. Naimah’s face appeared on the screen and he smiled, flicking his eyes up to meet Rachel’s.

 

“Sorry, it’s my sister, I need to take this. Thanks so much for all your help again, I’ll definitely be doing that survey.”

 

She smiled, “No problem! And thanks for doing the survey. I should go see if anyone else needs help, but have a good day! And enjoy your new makeup!”

 

“Oh, I will.”

 

And with another bright smile, she was gone.

 

Derek answered his phone on the sixth ring and started making his way to the cash register, “Hello?”

 

“Hey Derek... Are you still out?”

 

“Yeah, what’s up?”

 

She paused, “Can you come grab me from Amelia’s house on your way home?”

 

Ah, that’s why her voice sounded strained.

 

“Yeah course. I’ll be there in fifteen, that sound good?”

 

“Perfect,” she said, relief colouring her words.

 

“Awesome, see you soon sis.”

 

“Alright, bye Der.”

 

He slipped his phone into his pocket and sighed. He couldn't imagine what was happening with Amelia now. Maybe she got a new boyfriend, and he was even worse that Trevor.

 

_I hope that Naimah doesn't get too involved..._

 

He stepped up to the cashier and unloaded his products.

 

“Did you find everything okay?” the cashier asked.

 

“Oh yeah, your coworker Rachel was my savior.”

 

She met his eyes and smiled, “Oh she’s great. Knows her stuff. Super friendly.”

 

He nodded, “Definitely.”

 

She scanned his last item, “Do you have a Beauty Insider Card?”

 

“Oh, umm, no.”

 

“Would you like to sign up for one?”

 

He hesitated for only a split second, “Yeah, I do.”

 

“Alright sounds good. I need your name please.”

 

\---

 

Exactly fifteen minutes later Derek pulled up to Amelia’s house. He opened his phone to text Naimah, but she was already flying out the front door.

 

She opened the back door and he felt a tiny moment of panic when he realized the telltale Sephora bag was literally  _right there_ and he really didn’t want to answer any questions about it, but she just threw her bags into the back and climbed into the passenger seat.

 

He let out a quiet breath, glancing over at his sister. Her face was like a thundercloud.

 

“Let’s go,” she said quietly.

 

He shoulder checked and pulled away from the curb, glancing worriedly at Naimah. She looked really pissed off, but he didn’t know if he was supposed to ask. He had never really understood her and Amelia’s relationship, no matter how much they joked about it.

 

“You okay?” he asked hesitantly.

 

She snorted, “Define okay.”

 

He paused, “Umm, unharmed? Not royally pissed off?”

 

She huffed, sliding down her seat a bit and looking out the window, “Just drop it Derek.”

 

Her voice was cold, and he shut up. Naimah was normally an open book, especially to him; he knew when something was off limits. He stopped at a red light and leaned over to turn on the radio, switching to a classic pop channel. Heart Attack by Demi Lovato blasted through the speakers and Derek inwardly winced but kept it because he knew Naimah loved the song.

 

The light turned green and he accelerated forward, but he caught her little smile out of the corner of his eye. He started humming along, not totally knowing the lyrics but it was a simple enough melody to understand. Beside him, Naimah started singing and he inwardly began to relax. He would get the story out of her eventually, but if shitty pop songs made her feel better he’d gladly suffer through it silently.

 

\---

 

The next day after his morning run Derek showered, locked his door and booted up his Macbook, clicking on a saved video of Zoella showing her viewers how she did her brows with the Brow Wiz. He watched it twice before pausing the video, pulling the mirror closer and opening the box. With small, careful strokes, he ran the product through his left eyebrow, following it closely with the small spooly on the end to make sure everything was even.

 

He got a small thrill when he finished his left brow and smiled. It wasn’t perfect but it didn’t look awful and he was the one who did that, not anyone else,  _him_. He went for his right brow, which was a little harder because he had to twist his left hand at a bit of an awkward angle to do it, but it didn’t come out awful either. His brows were sisters, not twins, but for his first attempt he thought they looked really good.

 

The concealer was much easier. He dabbed it under his eyes, on the two small breakouts on his chin, on the ridge of his nose and a little bit on his forehead, and then used his ring finger to blend it out. He knew that he didn’t really need a base as heavy as foundation, but the concealer was a really nice little step. Next, he uncapped his mascara and applied it to his lashes, immediately seeing the difference.

 

And finally, lipstick. He dabbed the nude on for a subtle colour change. That was definitely the easiest part.

 

Capping the tube, he moved back and surveyed his work. It wasn’t very noticeable, but he noticed. He looked more awake, more put together, and above all happier.

 

He couldn't stop smiling.

 

\---

 

He wore the makeup for the rest of the day at home by himself and took it off before Naimah got home. He had a really nice, lazy day full of Netflix and Tumblr and reading, and he scrawled out a few lines of a poem about new emotions and experiences, and if he couldn’t stop looking in reflective surfaces, well, no one was there to catch him.

 

He took a selfie right before he washed it off.

 

The next morning, Derek woke up, went to the gym, took a shower and then got ready to go out. He styled his hair, picked a warm winter outfit and sat back down, going through his routine. His eyebrows come out better than yesterday.

 

He grabbed his book bag, laced up his boots and left. He tucked his chin into his scarf and took the short walk to his usual coffee shop in Manhattan, Cafe Grumpy, that was muscle memory by now.

 

The other pedestrians hurried by him, no one meeting his eyes as he tentatively looked at them. He knew that it was really unlikely that anyone was going to notice, but he couldn’t help feeling that there was a possibility someone could notice - and not like it.

 

Less than five minutes later he ducked into the cafe and breathed deeply, letting the smell of coffee and quiet music filter over him. He relaxed slightly, still nervous but he had never had any problems with anyone at this cafe before.

 

He ordered a dark roast, and the cashier didn’t give him a second look before he threw a cream and a sugar in his coffee and settled into a soft leather chair. He pulled out his current book, City of Bones, and opened it to his page.

 

He read at a snail's pace at first, eyes often flicking up to see if anyone was looking at him oddly, if anyone noticed that he was wearing makeup.

 

As time wore on though and no one noticed, he began to relax even more and slip into his novel. He finished his coffee after his second chapter, bought a muffin after his fifth and checked his phone when Clary did something so cringe-worthy that he needed a minute to process.

 

He had been here for three hours and had as many texts from Naimah.

 

**Dude, you have to check out this music video! I love it, omg**

 

**Is chicken good for dinner tonight? I want to cook something**

 

**Are you ignoring me on purpose or are you at Cafe Grumpy???**

 

He smiled, shooting a quick reply back.

 

**_Yeah, I’m at Cafe Grumpy and chicken sounds good_**

 

**_Oh, and you can show me the video when I get home._ **

 

Her reply came instantly.

 

**Sounds good.**

 

**See you in a few hours, enjoy your book!**

 

He smiled wider.

 

**Thanks sis.**

 

And then he closed his phone and went back to his book.

 

\---

 

He stumbled through the door, closing it with a bang against the sharp wind that wanted to follow him.

 

“I’m home Naimah!” And then the smell of sizzling chicken hit him, “And it smells amazing in here!”

 

He unwound his scarf from his neck and shrugged his jacket off, hanging them up in the hall closet before following the smell into the kitchen. Naimah was at the stove, dancing to some pop music and turned slightly when he came into the kitchen.

 

“Just in time!” she practically sang, “I made cajun chicken tonight, with jasmine fried rice and steamed veggies on the side! I was just hit in the face with the will to cook when I was at Whole Foods and I was browsing recipes last night so I knew exactly what I wanted to make.”

 

As Naimah chattered, Derek moved towards her and the stove, stooping slightly to hook his chin on her neck and wrap his arms loosely around her waist. She hummed, leaning against him slightly.

 

“Smells great sis, and you know I love everything you just named.”

 

She smirked, “Yup, I’m just an awesome sister who likes to spoil her little bro.”

 

He rolled his eyes and moved back, deftly starting to set the kitchen table for the two of them.

 

“I could go for some wine tonight, what do you think?” he asked, opening the cabinet where Naimah kept all her wine.

 

She hummed behind him, “Sure, grab a red. I think we opened one last week?”

 

Derek stretched up, grabbing the bottle and two wine glasses, “Yup, we did.”

 

Fifteen minutes later they were settling down with their food, properly facing one another for the first time.

 

“Thanks for making dinner,” Derek said, biting into his chicken, “Mmmm, it’s perfect.”

 

Naimah smiled, taking a sip of her wine and then blinked twice, staring at his face.

 

Derek paused, realizing that he had forgotten he was wearing makeup. He took a breath and waited. He knew that there was no way Naimah would have a problem with it, no way at all, but there was still a small sliver of doubt that was very good at being vocal exactly when he didn’t need it to be.

 

 _Chill,_ he told himself,  _there is no way Naimah is going to have a problem with this. Just breath._

 

After a moment that felt like a century, Naimah said, “I’ll teach you what I know so that your eyebrows look a little more symmetrical, but bro they look almost perfect. How many times have you tried to fill them in?”

 

“This is my second,” he said, slightly surprised. Was that really all she was going to say? Her response… was so normal. Guilt immediately curled in his gut; how could he have doubted her? What did he expect? For her to make a huge deal about it?

 

She paused, fork halfway to her mouth, “What? You’re shitting me.”

 

He shook his head, a small smile playing on his face, “No, I’m not.”

 

“Dude, it took me forever to learn how to do my brows and yours are almost perfect!”

 

He grinned shyly, “Maybe I’m just a natural then.”

 

She laughed, “Oh god, you’ll probably be helping me with my makeup in a few months!”

 

His grin widened, “Well yeah, that's obvuously the plan."

 

She rolled her eyes and flicked a piece of rice at him, "Oh shut up."

 

Later that night when they were curled up on the couch, sharing a bucket of popcorn and each with a wine glass in hand, Mulan playing on the screen (Naimah’s choice), she asked him the question he had been expecting ever since dinner.

 

“So Der, why did you decide to start wearing makeup?”

 

He looked over at her and could tell she was trying to keep her face calm and neutral, staring at the screen as Mushu called for dishonour on Mulan’s ‘cow’.

 

Derek shrugged, picking at the lint on their blanket, “I dunno sis… When you put it on me during Winter Break I really liked it. And I’ve always been very… I’ve always taken my appearance very seriously. I like looking good and… and makeup gives me more control over my appearance? It’s uh, well… It’s just really nice, I like it a lot,” Derek stopped, glaring harshly at his lap, muttering, “Why is this so hard?”

 

Naimah draped an arm around his shoulders and pulled them closer. He sighed and turned into her side, sliding his arm around her waist and just taking a few moments, letting her ground him.

 

Her quiet voice broke the silence, “So you like wearing it?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“A lot?”

 

“Mhmm, it makes me… happy. I… I like routines and it’s another step in them in the morning. It’s almost... comfortable for me now, y’know?”

 

She squeezed him tighter, “Yeah, I know Der.”

 

They fell into comfortable quiet again, the only sound the TV.

 

Derek sighed, he wanted to say more; the box he had pushed his original feelings in was coming undone in his chest. He wanted to say something else, knew that Naimah wouldn’t judge him at all but he knew he would judge himself, that this was something he wasn’t comfortable with. He nuzzled himself further into his sister’s embrace. She put her chin on his head and he exhaled softly.

 

 _Just do it, just say it, it’s how you feel_ ,.

 

But he couldn’t do it, not yet.

 

“You can tell me anything, Der,” Naimah said quietly, “I’ll always listen and I’ll always accept you.”

 

She pulled back so she could look him in the eyes. He gave her a small smile and she returned it.

 

“Thanks Nai, it means…”  _so much, a lot, my sanity,_ “everything,” he decided on.

 

“Of course, what’s a big sister for?”

 

Sometime later, when the credits for Mulan were rolling and Derek had a carefree, genuine smile on his face, Naimah asked, “So does this mean I now have someone to gush about Tarte with and bug them to let me do their makeup?”

 

Derek laughed, turning to his sister with a huge grin, “Of course, but only if I can do yours too.”

 

She clutched her chest, eyes widening, “I would expect nothing less!”

  
And yeah, Derek could get used to this happy,  _almost_ completely carefree smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is so proud of Derek? Me... I am :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back with another chapter! Yay!
> 
> Regarding warnings, I don't think this chapter has any either. Swear words and emotions regarding feeling comfortable wearing makeup are again in this chapter, but again, it's a very G chapter. Let me know if you feel like there is anything I should tag though!
> 
> And I hope you all enjoy chapter 4, maybe drop me a comment with your favourite part :)

**July 2013**

 

Derek was stretched out on his bed, arm pillowing his head as he read Graceling. He was almost done; Katsa and Bitterblue were almost at Po’s castle and he was ready to tear his hair out from worry about literally _everything_. They were almost to safety and then Katsa could find a way to save Po, Bitterblue, and their entire fucking world.

 

“Der!” Naimah called from outside his door, knocking twice before pushing it open, “I’ve got some friends coming over for a bit, kay?”

 

He shrugged as best he could laying down, not looking away from his book, “Yeah sure, whatever.”

 

“Alright cool, just wanted to let you know,” she singsonged back at him.

 

He grunted, turning the page. She laughed quietly and closed his door.

 

Twenty minutes later he closed his book, stupid smile on his face, and dropped it on his bed.

 

“Alright yeah, that was fucking good,” he murmured to himself, giving Graceling a gentle pat before sitting upright and swinging his feet off the bed. He stretched, stiff from having been in the same position for a little over two hours (sue him, it was a damn good book), before getting up and leaving his room.

 

He heard quiet laughter from the dining room, vaguely remembering Naimah mention she had friends coming over. He bypassed the doors and entered the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water as he checked his Tumblr feed. He leaned back against the countertop and took a sip, inspecting the rim to see if any of his lipstick transferred. He was wearing a MAC Pro Longwear Lipcreme and he couldn’t decide if he liked it or not. The formula was nice, but it definitely transferred and he was worried he was on his way to getting that stupid rim around the inside of his mouth.

 

Suddenly the French doors to the dining room opened and a tall girl stepped through, her head turned away from him as she laughed at something someone else in the room had said. She had curly wine red hair that fell to just above her shoulders and when she turned, Derek saw it curled inward, framing her face. Dove grey eyes met his as she offered him the tail end of her laugh, and a bright smile.

 

“Hey,” he nodded at her, “I’m Derek, Naimah’s brother.”

 

She stepped up to him and offered her hand, “Nice to meet you. I’m Cynthia, friend of Naimah’s from school, but call me Thia.”

 

He smiled back and shook her hand, “Lovely name.”

 

Cynthia laughed softly, looking a bit surprised, but Naimah interrupted her before she could say anything else, stepping through the French doors and into the kitchen.

 

 _Ah, she finally noticed the makeup_ , he thought.

 

“Der, I see you’ve met Thia,” she stepped inside and Delilah followed.

 

Derek smiled and waved, “Hey Delilah, what’s up?”

 

She smiled back, shrugging as she sat down on a bar stool at their island, “Playing around with makeup. Thia’s shooting a video and wanted to use us as models.”

 

Derek turned, looking at Thia in mild surprise and glee, “Oh you have a channel? What’s your name?” He opened the youtube app and looked at her expectantly.

 

“Oh! Um, well, it’s ArtistrybyThia. It’s mainly makeup and art videos, though I’ve been thinking about diving into the world of Bullet Journalling and productivity. I like to doodle so, might be a good fit. And God knows that I need more organization in my life,” she laughed, running a hand through the front of her hair and twisting a curl around her finger.

 

“She’s pretty damn good, Der. You might’ve even seen one of her videos and not known it,” Naimah said, coming to stand behind Thia and bumping her with her hip, small smile on her face.

 

Thia blushed lightly, “Well probably not, I’m not that big.”

 

Naimah scoffed, “Modest.”

 

Derek looked over at Delilah in surprise, who rolled her eyes with a smile and shrugged.

 

He looked down at his phone and found the page loaded. He recognized a few videos. Thia was very into the bold, glittery eyes, extreme contour, and highlight. Everything he had seen in her videos had looked like so much fun, and she often brought other people into her makeup chair to talk about good ways to accentuate their own unique features and personalities. It was fucking awesome.

 

“What are you doing with Delilah and Naimah?”

 

“Complimentary looks, makeup that doesn’t clash together, but still holds their own and suits them. And obviously it’s still got to be bold and glittery. I’m doing bronze, burnt orange and canary yellow on Delilah and then using moss green, a bit of a brighter orange and bronze again on Naimah. Each will get gold shimmer at some point too courtesy of those Makeup Forever Glitter Pots. I just got my hands on the gold shade and I’m ready to run wild,” she paused, “Not really sure exactly how it’s going to turn out, but we’ll see. They volunteered as I was complaining about the struggles of trying to talk my sisters into being my models again, so whatever happens I’m blaming it on them,” she finished her ramble with a quiet laugh.

 

Derek was momentarily stunned. Naimah was going to wear orange? And gold glitter? She had _never_ let Derek do anything like that before and Derek had basically begged at one point to put some colour on Naimah’s eyes. He had always thought that her tendency to stick to very simple, matte looks or a classic smokey eye was so boring, and _Thia_ (who he had never met before) was able to convince her to wear _orange_ and gold _glitter_?

 

He paused. Oh.

 

Wait, that might make sense.

 

He smiled at Thia, deciding her would meddle a bit, “That’s gonna look amazing, Thia. I’m surprised that you managed to convince Naimah to do something so bold for her eyes though. She’s normally super boring.”

 

Naimah shot him a panicked look at the same time Thia furrowed her brows.

 

Ah. Naimah didn’t tell her about her habits. He’d definitely be bugging her about her crush later.

 

He cleared his throat before Thia could say anything, and hastily asked, “And most of your videos feature other people in your makeup chair. Why don’t you normally use yourself?”

 

Thia blinked, slowly starting to answer his question as her eyes flickered from Naimah to him, “Kinda. There’s only so many times I want to do makeup on myself, y’know? And I…” she paused, “sort of want to get into the makeup artist industry so it’s better to practice on others as well as myself.”

 

Derek nodded, during the past month and a bit he and Naimah had spent a lot of time mucking around with different looks on one another and experimenting. He fell in love with the first NAKED pallet and the Lorac Pro and the NARS Laguna Bronzer and Benefit’s Dandelion Blush. Doing natural looks were easy with those products, and _fun_. God, makeup was so much fun.

 

“Yeah, I definitely understand. I’ve spent a lot of time playing around with looks myself.”

 

“I actually have a picture of a look he did last weekend. The gradient he did was amazing,” Naimah said, opening her phone and showing Thia and Delilah.

 

Delilah’s eyebrows rose in surprise, “Damn.”

 

Thia’s eyes widened, “Woah, that gradient is perfection! It’s like a legit sunset on your lids!” She turned, eyes laughing and smile wide, “Dude, you have some awesome skill.”

 

Derek blushed, leaning back against the counter and taking a sip of his water, “Ah, thanks. Youtube and Naimah are really good teachers.”

 

Naimah rolled her eyes, “And a natural talent and eye for perfection doesn’t hurt.”

 

“Tell me you have a channel then! You can’t let all that natural talent and creativity go to waste!”

 

Derek felt his face heating up, “Well, uh no, I don’t.”

 

“You ever thought about starting one?”

 

He shook his head.

 

She shrugged, “Well dude, you ever have a channel and want to collab, I’d be so in.”

 

He smiled into his drink, “Thanks Thia… I’ll think about it.”

 

And consider it Derek did. It was practically all he could think about for weeks. He wrote poetry about tethering on a cliff edge, too scared to jump but unwilling to back away. He wrote metaphors that compared his own thoughts to ocean waves crashing into land: harsh, loud, unending, constant.

 

On his computer there were several tabs talking about filming equipment, lighting and editing software and ways to grow a channel. With each article he read, he thought about how possible it could be to actually make a Youtube channel. He had a Macbook with iMovie, an editing software that while basic and occasionally problematic, would suit his purposes just fine. A new camera and maybe even a lights set were hardly out of his price range. His room already had nice big windows too, so there was lots of natural light already available, and he could create a cute backdrop behind his desk. And it was summer, with only a year left at Andover following. It was completely and utterly possible.

 

Derek wanted to do it so badly.

 

But he was hesitant. He was comfortable with his usual routine, which was soft natural looks that no one ever noticed when he wore them outside. He saved his creative, loud ideas for days where he didn’t have to leave the house, because it was one thing to apply makeup without others noticing or realizing, and it was another thing entirely to put it on for an audience.

 

He clicked a different tab on his screen, this one talking about the best filming cameras for beginners.

 

Someone knocked on his door and he looked up to see Naimah poke her head into his room.

 

“Hey bro, any chance you want to go to Sephora with me?”

 

He was moving before he could even think about it, sliding off his bed and grabbing his wallet, sunglasses and nude lipstick, ushering her out of his room and towards door, “Yes, I so need a distraction. Wanna drive or transit?”

 

She shrugged, tugging on her sandals, “I already called a taxi, it’s almost here. I honestly don’t want to worry about parking and I sort of want to go to the big one on Fifth Ave? I want to go check out the new Urban Decay Revolution Lipsticks display and you know that they always have the best selection. Oh, and I need a new foundation.”

 

“You finally finished your Bobby Brown bottle? You’ve been working on that one forever!”

 

She grinned, turning around and locking the door behind her, “Yup, it’s finally done! I had to pump so hard this morning to get enough out, so it’s finally time for a new bottle.”

 

He raised his eyebrow at her, “You mean you’re just going to buy the same one again? You’re not going to try anything new?”

 

She shrugged, “I don’t know? I might look into trying the Estee Lauder Double Wear Foundation. Thia gushes about it enough to make it sound like magic in a bottle. Oh, there’s the taxi.”

 

Derek snorted, “She’s over enough that _I_ know of her love of the stuff.”

 

Naimah didn’t say anything and he smirked, turning to look at his older sister and flicking her in the arm, “She is over a lot though, isn’t she?”

 

Naimah huffed, smile tugging at her lips as she pulled open the door and slid in, “No, _I_ don’t think so.” She rattled off the address as Derek got in and closed the door, but he wasn’t going to let her off that easy.

 

Derek hummed, voice high and sing-song like, “Are you sure? She’s been over almost everyday this week and you’ve been attached to your phone all morning…” He raised his eyebrows, a shit eating grin on his face.

 

“What exactly are you implying Derek?” Naimah asked, attempting to make her voice hard.

 

“I wanna know if you have a cruuuussshhhh,” Derek drew the last word out, laughing.

 

Naimah’s eyes went wide and she shushed his laughter, “Oh my god Der! Yell it louder, why don’t you?”

 

“I knew it! I so knew it! She was so comfortable that first day I met her that I knew she’d been over before and you never mentioned her to me! That’s so typical of you when you have a crush.”

 

Naimah crossed her arms and attempted to glare at him, “I’ve admitted nothing!”

 

He rolled his eyes and turned in his seat to stare at her, “Say it to my face Naimah.”

 

She glared at him and sunk a little lower into her seat, “Ugh.”

 

He smirked, “Well?”

 

She tucked her hair behind her ear and sighed, “You’re insufferable. You know that?”

 

“Hmm, only when I’m right though.”

 

She sighed again, but a smile with tugging at the corner of her lips, “Well then you’re insufferable.”

 

He grinned, settling back into his seat, “She’s cute Naimah. I give it another week before one of you breaks and asks the other out.”

 

“I don’t even know if she likes girls Derek.”

 

“No, she does. I guarantee it. And,” he paused, “I like her a lot better than Amelia.”

 

Naimah stiffened, but kept her eyes looking out the window and said quietly, “Yeah, me too.”

 

Derek waited, but Naimah didn’t elaborate. A small part of him was disappointed because he knew that something had happened. Derek knew that Amelia had broken up with Trevor after New Years because she had caught him cheating on her. And of course she had needed her ‘best friend’ to console her, but ever since that time in March when he picked Naimah up from her house, Amelia was never brought up again. And Derek had no idea what happened between them, but Naimah had told him she had a ‘hopeless’ crush on her. But now it was like Amelia had never existed.

 

The taxi pulled up to the curb and Naimah brightened. Derek decided to drop the conversation.

 

He pulled out his wallet and waved away her attempts at paying, “It gets charged to the same card anyway, Naimah.” She sighed and he rolled his eyes, a grin on his face as he swiped his card.

 

“Get out now, let’s go shopping.”

 

She stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed.

 

With a quick thank you to the driver they exited and walked into the store.

 

“I think this is my favourite Sephora in Manhattan,” Derek murmured into Naimah’s ear, sidestepping around three girls gushing over the newest Tarte Amazonian Clay eyeshadow palette, making a mental note to look at that later.

 

“Ugh, I know. It’s gorgeous in here,” Naimah swept her eyes over the space and saw the display she was looking for, “Speaking of gorgeous… there’re the new lipsticks!”

 

Derek chuckled, “Alright, go have fun. I’m just gonna browse.”

 

“Sounds good bro,” and then she was gone, weaving her way through the crowd.

 

Derek smiled, watching her for a second before walking towards Smashbox. He wasn’t paying attention though, and promptly tripped over a garbage can.

 

“Shit!” he cursed, grabbing onto a shelf to avoid falling flat on his face. He stood up abruptly, face hot as he turned and pretended to look at the display.

 

 _Fuckings smooth Derek_ , he thought to himself, _Hopefully no one saw that..._

 

He let out a breath and blinked, resisting the urge to look around. Instead he focused on the Too Faced eyeshadow display in front of him. They had a new product out, the Pretty Rebel eyeshadow palette, and it was absolutely stunning. He wrinkled his nose and corrected himself; the eyeshadows were completely stunning. Honestly, the packaging was tacky and looked vaguely like they failed at creating an Urban Decay design. The gold glitter background were fine, but the black stripes resembled felt or bandage material just made the palette’s packaging look cheap. But the eyeshadows looked gorgeous, and that was what mattered the most.

 

Derek swatched Totally Fetch, the bright pink, and hummed in surprise and delight. It was unbelievably creamy and opaque. He moved onto Instigator, which was a pigmented gold shimmer colour. He moved his wrist back and forth so that the shadow could catch the light. Then he swatched Jailbird, Gangsta, Girly and Badass. They were just as pigmented and gorgeous as the first two, colours bright and vibrant.

 

He could already imagine looks he wanted to create with the palette. There wasn’t a nice transition colour, but he had plenty of options for a warm matte brown at home, and Charming could be used to deepen the outer v and drag it down into his lower lashline. And Gangsta all over the lid would make a stunning bronze look. And then he could add Ringleader into his inner corner for some pink shimmer, or right above his eye for a spotlight effect. Or he could use Totally Fetch all over his lid right away, and use a few other matte pinks to blend it out. Then he could wet Jailbird and use it as a shimmery silver eyeliner. And then he could add Girly to the very center of his lid to catch the light. Oh god, there were so many crazy looks he could create with this palette.

 

He paused.

 

He bit his lip and stroked the sides of the palette. This was a palette that begged to be worn, and worn by adventurous, confident people. He wasn’t sure if he could wear it out though, and it would be a complete waste to only wear it around the house.

 

Naimah was confident, this palette would be out of her comfort zone, and Derek knew he’d never be able to convince her to wear it the way he wanted to use it.

 

Derek wasn’t completely confident, but he had gotten pretty good at faking it. He swirled his finger in Instigator again and looked at the gold pigment on his finger. Where could he wear a colour as bright as this one?

 

Youtube?

 

He paused.

 

Oh.

 

_“Tell me you have a channel then! You can’t let all that natural talent and creativity go to waste!”_

 

It would be a big step… was he ready? Did he want to?

 

He snorted, fuck yeah he wanted to wear those colours.

 

He started tapping out a rhythm on the box as a distraction. Maybe it was time to seriously consider creating a beauty channel. Maybe it was time to branch out a bit and really try and get into this makeup thing. He had time. It was totally possible. And even if he didn’t and just wore the palette around the house, it wasn’t like his parents would care that he spent $39. They probably wouldn't even notice.

 

And if he did this… maybe he could help others feel more comfortable with what they wanted to do with their lives… Wayne Goss had helped him after all.

 

He picked one of the unopened boxes up. Yeah, he was going to do it. He wanted to. He was ready.

 

He moved onto the Smashbox display, but he was really just wandering aimlessly. He didn’t want to buy anything else, so he looked for Naimah among the other shoppers and spotted her by the NARS display.

 

“Hey sis, how’s it going?” he asked, peering over her shoulder.

 

She pointed to a swatch on her arm, “Pretty good, I’m really excited about this one lipstick, Speedball. It’s a glossy, warm purple that’s perfect for summer. And I don’t have anything like it at home, so I’m definitely getting it.”

 

He nodded, “Yeah that’s gorgeous.”

 

“And now I’m just looking at the NARS single pan eyeshadows. You know how these are my all time favourite.”

 

He rolled his eyes with a small smile, “Yeah Naimah, I know that Galapagos is literally your favourite shade to do your smokey eye with. And that Nepal is regularly featured in your everyday eye look.”

 

She huffed, “Fine, whatever, call me predictable, I don’t care. At least I can finish my makeup in a reasonable amount of time.”

 

He spluttered, but didn’t try and deny it. He did take longer in the bathroom than her. She winked and hip checked him, “But anyway bro, what did you find? New eyeshadow palette?”

 

He brightened immediately and showered her the Pretty Rebel palette, “Yup, and it’s stunning.”

 

She prompted him to turn it over so she could see the colours on the back and her eyes widened a bit, “Wow, very bright.”

 

He nodded, “Well that was what I was going for. Oh, also, we need to swing by a film store and pick up a camera.”

 

Her head snapped up to look at him, “You mean you’re gonna start a channel?”

 

“You can help me brainstorm channel names in the taxi.”

 

“Woah Der! That’s so exciting!”

 

He laughed, yeah, it really was. Kind of terrifying, but exciting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Derek's gonna start a channel! Next chapter will (obviously) revolve heavily on that. Who's excited??


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So there are a couple brief warnings so check out the notes at the end for those. Nothing too bad, but I don't want anyone to be surprised.
> 
> And God, I'm so so sorry for the wait on this chapter! But it's here now so that's good... haha...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked it! I have more notes at the bottom regarding my plans for this future Derek if you're curious. :)

**July 2013**

 

Filming came pretty naturally to Derek.

 

It was exactly like putting his makeup on in the morning, except he just had to make sure he was in the shot, which was a bit tricky at first until he put his mirror right under the camera lens. That made it so much easier.

 

He had decided that his first look was going to star the NAKED palette and all of the products he had bought all the way back in March, as a nod to his ‘roots’. Plus, he needed more time to experiment with the Pretty Rebel palette before he created a tutorial with it.

 

“Here, I know you’re stressed so have some tea,” Naimah said, pushing a mug into his hands.

 

He looked up at his sister and smiled, “Thanks.”

 

She shrugged, settling onto the couch beside him and curling into his side, “How’s the editing coming?”

 

He sighed, “Well, it’s okay. It’s taking longer than I thought and there are some bits I’m not 100% happy with, but overall it’s good. Just taking me a while because I’m not used to it.”

 

Naimah nodded, taking a sip of her tea, “Practice makes perfect I guess.”

 

He smiled, “Yeah, hopefully.”

 

Three days later, Derek pressed ‘Upload’ and watch the progress bar with baited breath. Slowly, it began to move. He edited the title, the description and added a few tags before the progress bar was complete, and then he clicked publish.

 

It was up. It was done.

 

He sat back and stared at his screen, the little button grey now that he had published his video. His first video. Holy shit. He really did it.

 

Doubts hit him almost immediately. He clicked over to his channel, DMNBeauty, and saw his video, his _first_ video, there.

 

“Holy shit,” he whispered, “I actually did it.” He wasn’t sure if it was joy or horror that coloured his words.

 

_What if it’s not good enough? What if people don’t like it? What if they don’t like me? What if they find it weird that I’m doing makeup?_

 

Derek swallowed, attempting to push the doubts away.

 

_You wanted to do this_ , he reminded himself.

 

_Yeah, but what if-_

 

Derek closed his laptop with a snap and got up, tugging his shirt off and reaching for a work out tank. A run. A run with Jay Z pumping through his ears. A run would clear his head and keep his thoughts from destroying him.

 

_I wanted this. I wanted to do this,_ he reminded himself.

 

“Naimah! I’m going for a run!” He yelled, tugging his sneakers on as he moved down the hallway.

 

“Okay! Have fun!”

 

He closed and locked the front door and did a few warm up stretches as he walked down the driveway. He wasn’t stupid, he didn’t want to pull anything, but he didn’t have the patience for his full cardio warm up. He jumped in place for a few moments at the bottom of his driveway, shaking out his wrists, before shoving his earbuds into his ears and started running down the street.

 

He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the road in front of him, but his thoughts refused to remain silent.

 

_You thought about this for the longest time. You were torn up by it, but this quirk is just another thing that makes you Derek Malik Nurse. You chose this. And you love this. And you made your peace with your new love for makeup standing between NARS and Benefit in Sephora, and you’ll make your peace with posting that video too._

 

He turned a corner and ran faster, trying to outrun his thoughts.

 

_The only reason that you haven't accepted this yet is because you feel pretty in makeup, and when the fuck have you ever been told that’s okay? You’re not supposed to be pretty, you’re supposed to be handsome and manly and good looking. Not pretty,_  He thought savagely, his metaphoric mental box bursting wide open as he ran.

 

He spluttered, thoughts screeching to a halt. He stopped, gasping, on a deserted street corner in suburban New York.

 

“Who that fuck,” he whispered, sitting down with a thump on the curb and putting his head in his hands.

 

“Why the _fuck_.”

 

His thoughts felt jumbled and tangled. His fingers itched for a pen. He took a steadying breath.

 

“Why does it even matter that I feel… feel _pretty_ in it?” He whispered to the ground, “Why do I _care_ so much.”

 

_Society_ , his brain helpfully supplied.

 

He snorted, and dropped his head on his knees, “Fuck society.”

 

But he didn’t really mean that.

 

He sighed deeply again.

 

_I feel pretty, and I don’t think I should feel that._

 

“But I do,” he whispered, “And I can’t change the way my heart feels.”

 

Another pause.

 

“It’s something I’m going to have to accept,” he whispered, “I’m going to have to accept this. I’m going to have to accept _me_.”

 

_I’m going to have to accept me._

 

_I have to accept me._

 

_I accept me._

 

He paused.

 

_I’ll work on accepting me._

 

Between one breath and the next, Derek was more honest with himself at that moment than in his whole life.

 

He got back an hour later, significantly sweatier than when he left, but also much calmer. He toed off his shoes inside and grabbed a drink in the kitchen, checking his Instagram feed and pointedly ignoring the Youtube app.

 

Naimah rounded the corner, big grin on her face when she saw him, “Hey! How was the run?”

 

He smiled at her, “Good. Pretty hot outside though.”

 

She grinned, “Oh yeah bro.”

 

She came up beside him and leaned against the counter, looking over his shoulder at his phone.

 

“Y’know what I saw on Youtube today?” she asked after a moment.

 

His heart skipped a beat, “What?”

 

She bumped her hip with his, “I saw that you posted your first _video_ Der. And it was really good! I loved the neutral eye you did, the blending was gorgeous.”

 

He smiled into his glass, “Thanks Naimah.”

 

“I actually think that we should go out and celebrate. You want to do sushi tonight?”

 

He looked at her, surprised, “Yeah?”

 

She grinned, “Yes! It’s a celebratory moment! Your first video!”

 

Right. His first video. Emphasis on _first_. Could he post another one? Would he feel like this every time that he posted a video?

 

He forced the words out that had been circling in his mind since his run, “And if I never post anything again?”

 

She shrugged, face not changing,  “Still a milestone worth celebrating.”

 

He nodded, but stayed quiet.

 

“Hey, stop thinking so hard, I can practically hear the gears turning,” she teased lightly.

 

He gave her a small smile and she laced her arm through his and leaned into his side.

 

Quietly, she said, “It’s hard, putting yourself out there like that, but you have to remind yourself why you’re doing it. For the creative expression, for an outlet, for you.”

 

“It’s scary.”

 

She nodded, “I bet. But you know that you can always take it down. You’ve made the leap, Der. You put yourself out there and you _tried_. How many others can say they were that brave?”

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Give it 48 hours. Don’t look at youtube or your makeup accounts. Give it 48 hours and if you want to take it down, you can.”

 

He nodded, “Okay.”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Can we still go out for sushi?”

 

She smiled, “Yes, after you shower though, cause bro I love you but you _reak_!”

 

He laughed, trying to pull her into a hug, welcoming the distraction, “Naimah you wound me!”

 

She shrieked and pulled away, running out of the kitchen and down the hall, “After you shower- ahhhhh!”

 

He caught her around the middle and gave her a nice firm hug, grinning like mad.

 

“Ugh, let me go you octopus!”

 

He dropped her and she turned, sticking her tongue out at him with laughter in her eyes. He winked and threw a “I’ll be ready in fifteen!” over his shoulder, retreating into his room.

 

“Now I feel like I should shower,” Naimah grumbled as Derek closed his door.

 

He threw his phone on his bed and took his shirt off, smiling.

 

He paused in front of his mirror and took a deep breath. Naimah had helped settle a few of his worries, but that didn’t mean he was totally fine. He was still nervous, but she was right. He should at least _try_.

 

He nodded at his reflexion, _I’ll give it 48 hours, and see what happens._

 

Then he went to go shower.

 

48 hours later, Derek finally checked Youtube. He was curled up on the couch, a movie he wasn’t paying attention to on in the background. There were about 30 views on his video, and four comments. Three were very generic, all akin to “Loved the look, go check out my channel too!”, but the last one was special.

 

**SamJ:** Love finding other boys who do amazing looks too! Makes me feel so happy inside. Killing it boo.

 

He replied immediately.

 

**DMNBeauty:** Inspiring me, inspiring you. Thank you for the lovely comment. Love you, and look up to you, so much.

 

He subscribed to SamJ’s channel and sat back, smiling. He could do this, he _wanted_ to do this.

 

Suddenly inspired, he grabbed his phone and opened Instagram. He had created a DMNBeauty account on Instagram too, because it was his favourite social media platform after Tumblr. He pulled up a photo he had saved on his phone, a split picture between his selfie the first time he had woren makeup and his makeup the day before, a dramatic pink smokey eye using shadows primarily from the Pretty Rebel palette.

 

His caption was simple: _Just a boy trying to feel comfortable in his own skin. I get closer and closer everyday._

 

He wanted to film a tutorial on that look at some point, because he did really love it. And the palette was so nice.

 

Truthful though, Derek had a lot of ideas for his channel; there were so many things that he wanted to try out and possibly film, but the summer was only so long. He hadn’t even let himself think about what would happen during the school year, because he was still doubtful and slightly self conscious, but that came with the territory when putting something out on the internet. And he understood that. Derek assumed that he would get hate at one point or another, but if he had people like SamJ, then he thought that he could do it.

 

He could thrive in his own skin, doing something that he loved.

 

He was ready for that kind of life, and it was something that he had chosen all for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: another panicked moment, I wouldn't call it an attack but Derek definitely feels uncomfortable and self-conscious and panicked; negative self-talk; contemplation of societal norms for men; swearing. Nothing too bad, but again, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
> 
> -
> 
> And that wraps up this fic! Wow, I really can't believe that I finished this, I'm so happy! I know that the wait was long (and I'm so sorry about that!) but I found this chapter harder to write than all of the others. That's also probably why it is the shortest as well.
> 
> But anyway! I hope that you liked the fic and was proud of Derek at the end (I know I am!). 
> 
> Regarding more parts, I do have some ideas that do feature the entire Samwell team (as I know Shitty was the only one who appeared, sadly), but I do want to focus on a different character for a bit. I have a really fun (or at least I think it's fun!) idea for Holster so look out for that one soon. Probably after the school year and during the summer if I'm honest.
> 
> But yeah, I hope you enjoyed! Maybe drop me a comment with your favourite part. :)


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